17. I Was Alive
I found solace in my porcelain tub of refuge as I took a bath for what must have been hours. It had been two days since I saw Ji Yong. Lord knows what he was doing, where he was sleeping, or more importantly, what he was eating.
16. But Would It Be Better?
Seung Hyun stared into the mirror. It seemed like lately he was the only one who saw someone staring right back. He shook his head. This can’t be happening. Vampires don’t exist.
15. I Cant
I didn’t bother walking a human’s pace home. I wanted to return to my shoddy bed under the floorboards as soon as possible. Yet, even though it was the fastest I ever went, it seemed like the longest walk ever. When I got home, I expected to see Ji Yong but he wasn’t there. The ball of pain in me had subsided so nothing could take my mind off of how much I was really hurting. I wanted to cry but I wasn’t going to let myself do that. Instead I dusted the cobwebs off of my phone and called Jini.
14. Nothing Shines Brighter Than Fireworks
As I walked I felt the problems in my head double over. Where was Ji Yong going to stay? I didn’t want him to stay with me. I missed Jini’s company and I needed her now more than ever. She couldn’t be around with blood thirsty Ji Yong, who had taken to compelling a different person to follow us for every couple blocks we walked, just for the fun of it. How was I going to get him to live like I do, without biting people? I had already come to terms with the fact I might not be able to. I may be cold but I have to be a realist. Regardless, I didn’t want Ji Yong to go back to his home. Seung Hyun would be there and he’d be the easiest prey. Not that he had any intentions to go back home. He seemed pretty married to sticking by my side.
13. Keep Your Teeth To Yourself
I woke up balled up in the darkest corner of my room at dusk, where light hit me the least. I could feel my arms coming back from a burn, a dull pain throbbing on my forearm. I didn’t go to bed. I- The last night hit me in blur of images and sounds. There was a faint scratching under the floorboards. My stomach was in pain. I felt like I was going to burst. Air pressed against the walls of my body. I was full. I remembered needing to swallow so much air when it reached the end, when he ran out of blood. He…Ji Yong… I sat up quickly. Where is he? Suddenly, I remembered the night in images and sounds. The sound of Ji Yong’s heart beating slowly accompanied by his insistence for me to continue, his thoughts as he reached the end filling my mind. Now she’ll love me. Now I’ve won. His heartbeat dying. Stopping. The silence drove me crazy, yelling what I must do, that I had to follow through. I had to change him. His body still, his face serene.
12. I Want To Know How It Feels
Ji Yong did his share of scoffing at the bareness of my apartment before he took a seat on my couch.
“Seung Hyun came by yesterday, right?”
I felt my back straighten in surprise. Did he tell him…about the blood? I felt myself growing hungrier as I stared at the tendons in Ji Yong’s arm. If you came anyway, that’s such a bad decision. I tried to keep my cool as a million thoughts began to run through my head.
11. Making It Easy
We got back to my place. Jini was going to sleep for the rest of the night while I watched her for Henry, or so she said. Why is it that they can talk that way? Reading minds is one thing but that was something different.
I was going up the stairs as I asked Jini about it.
“He’s been in my dreams, I guess. I think it’s ‘cause he knows my mind inside and out.”
“So he comes to your dreams? Like all the time?”
“Oh yeah. It’s way better in your dreams. You can do it for like twenty four hours straight on a Jamaican beach if you want.”
“Wow, so much information I didn’t ask for. So much.”
“You’re welcome,” Jini flashed a smile, as she made her way inside.
I heard an extra heartbeat, a familiar one. I smelled him. He was here. Why is he here?
I looked to the kitchen to see Seung Hyun at my counter, the pint of blood in front of him. He stared at it.
“What are you doing here?”
“What is this?” Seung Hyun asked.
“What are you doing here!?” I insisted. I felt myself growing angry, “This is my house! This is where I live! What are you doing here!?”
“What is this!?” he yelled back at me.
“That’s-That’s mine.” Jini tried to lie for me quietly.
“No, it’s mine. And I don’t really care how you feel about it.” I snatched the pint of blood from his hand.
“Are you-Are you a murderer?” Seung Hyun said. His face twisted in disgust. I felt a twinge of hurt.
“I’m about to be.” I felt my eyes change and turned away. I was angry but I didn’t want him to know the truth. Not yet. Not yet.
Jini began to push Seung Hyun out of the door.
“Get out. Get out. Get out.” Jini muttered.
I felt myself throw the container on the ground.
“Fuck, Pagan! That’s so stupid of you! Why would you do that!?” Jini yelled as she closed the door on Seung Hyun, who apparently had more to say as he pounded on the door.
Why would I do that? I repeated the quote in my head. I stared down at the blood. I’m hungry. Oh my god. I’m hungry. I’m mad. I’m not a murderer…Well, I am. I am a murderer. But still… How could he see me as just that. The way he looked at me. The way I looked to him.
“Hey!” Jini snapped me back from my thoughts, “He’s an asshole. Forget him.”
Forget him. Yes, just forget him. You were doing just fine without him. Just fine. Without his dark eyes. Without his smile, his smirk, his laugh. Without his jealous and arrogant comments. Without his touch, his kiss, his scent. Without wanting to devour him every minute of the day. You can just forget him. Can’t you?
But how could I?
I ran to the door and opened it.
“Seung Hyun,” I reached for his arm.
“Don’t touch me.” He avoided contact with me.
“Seung Hyun, I can explain-“
“I don’t want you to explain. I want you to know. I don’t know what you do. Or why you only have blood in your refrigerator, I don’t know why you’ve been doing this back and forth between Ji Yong and me but it’s over. I’m done with this. I’m done with you.”
Each word felt like glass in my chest, just cutting through me. He could kill me faster by just putting a stake in my heart.
“’Back and forth’. What is it between you two? You didn’t make it easy for me either.”
“Well, I’m making it easy now.” Seung Hyun backed away from me.
“Seung Hyun. Wait-I…” But all of a sudden I didn’t know what to say. The truth is I’m a vampire and I drink pints of blood to avoid feeding on you because I love you and I don’t want to be some murderer. Sure, that would go over well. Not that I had time to say it anyway. He had already walked away from me.
*****
Jini tucked me in under my floorboards after a night of laying my head down on her lap and being pacified by her gentle stroking of my hair. I never cry, this wasn’t any different. I don’t even know if vampires can cry. Jini knew I didn’t even want to think about it, so she distracted me with things Henry had told her in her mind, about hell and heaven. Not that I could repeat any of them, I wasn’t really listening. I was hoping he would come back or not tell Ji Yong at least. I didn’t know why but it seemed like Ji Yong, if I could get him to understand, maybe my heart wouldn’t be so heavy. Maybe I could stop this anchor from digging into my chest.
After Jini left, I didn’t sleep well. Not sleeping under floorboards is like a vacation in hell. Even vampires get bored. After an hour awake, I just wanted to come out, run in the sun. Just forget it all and burn. Then I got over it and fell asleep.
I woke up to knocking on the door, which perfectly matched pains of hunger I felt. I was reluctant to answer it because I might eat whoever was at the door. I came out from under the floorboards and found the living room covered in a floral scent left by Jini. Focus on that. Focus on that, I thought when I answered the door. I hoped it could distract me from the smell of my guest.
I answered the door to find Ji Yong in front of me.
“Do you mind if I come in?”
10. When You Start Falling
Looking back on the last night had been like looking back on a dream. It felt like it didn’t even happen. I’d rather it be that way. The head to head show down between Ji Yong and Seung Hyun had confused me. I didn’t exactly know how I felt. I knew I cared for Seung Hyun. I knew at any time of the night, thoughts of him would kick in and everything would get hazy, as if through beer goggles, and he’d be all that I could focus on but he made me angry at least once every time I saw him. I never had to deal with that feeling with Ji Yong. He was just fun which made me feel worse. He was just fun. It felt like I was listening to an AM radio. I was tuned in to Seung Hyun but Ji Yong was all the static that played over him.
9. Some Small War
Jini did not like being found out, at all. The next couple days were filled with being annoyed by two people. Jini and Seung Hyun.
I have a date. I won’t be in. And it’s not Henry! Cause we aren’t dating!
Her text let me know that it was Henry and they were dating. I put my phone away and looked up to see an angry Seung Hyun, his heart beat racing.
8. Ill Show You A Good Time
Luckily, the summer lingered around us and I wasn’t too cold for anyone to notice, even as that anyone’s lips met mine and I feel their hands reach my hips and I kiss them back passionately as we stand on a street for everyone to see. Even then.
I leapt back. What am I doing? What am I doing?
“Pagan,” Seung Hyun started, his hand reaching for mine.
I pulled back. “I need to get home.”
“Pagan,” Seung Hyun insisted, his hand reaching out for me. As he moved closer to me I could hear his heartbeat and the blood pumping through his veins. I was getting hungry.
“I really do need to get home.” I turned around and away from him. I began walking with my hands in my pockets. I could feel Seung Hyun’s mood drop. I felt guilty but I couldn’t do a relationship. I couldn’t. Could I?
When we got near my house, I told him to leave me at the stairs and thanked him for the night. I stood on the street watching him walking away dejectedly for the next four minutes because I must be a masochist who enjoys the guilt.
You like me. Just say it.
“I like you. I really do,” I spoke to the dark figure in the distance.
*****
Jini was waiting for me in my apartment when I came home. She pounced out of the darkness like a rabid lemur.
“So how’d it go!?”
“Fine.”
“Did you guys hit it off?”
“It went fine.”
“Was it bad?”
“It went fine,” I repeated myself.
“Oh my god. You kissed him!” Jini gasped as I made my way to get a cup of AB from my refrigerator. If I was alive, I would’ve turned red.
“I did not.”
“God hates liars and sometimes vampires.” Jini said in a singsong melody.
“I didn’t. Stop it,” I said before gulping down the blood.
“Every time I come in and you ask me how my date went, which is almost never,” Jini turned her eyes to slits momentarily and then continued, “Every time you ask me and I say ‘Fine.’ Something dirty happened. And seeing the time, it could only have been a kiss, unless it was very terrible and you should dump him right away.”
“Jini shut up.”
Jini gasped, “Oh Lord, he’s a minute man.”
“No! Okay! We kissed! Jesus!”
Jini smiled coyly, “And how was it?” She raised her eyebrows up and down quickly.
“Lock the door behind you. I’m going to bed.” I got up and went to my bedroom. As I lifted the floorboards I heard Jini getting ready to leave. I laid down in my twelve inches of space, concrete on either side of me.
“Sweet dreams, you hussy!” Jini called before she left.
*****
Younger vampires don’t have coffins. They just rarely have the money for them since blood is so expensive and so is a proper coffin. I was a very young vampire. I was about 50 human years old and to a vampire that was a baby, especially since I had only been a vampire for 27 of them.
I woke up from the space in the floor grumpy most of the time and this was no different. I picked the apartment for the way the floors were made but this can only be so comfortable of a sleeping arrangement.
I remembered I had the day off and a full stomach. It was early so I waited to make sure it was twilight. The time was difficult. I fought the thought of Choi Seung Hyun off with the anticipation of what I was about to do. When I came up, I made sure the sun had gone down then I headed off to have some fun with a very giddy smile on my face.
Jini showed me an indoor pool in a new health club run by some crazy guy from Britain that she dated for two weeks. She paid for a membership for my ‘birthday’, which is a day she picked, based on astrological signs and my personality. It’s November something, but I can’t ever remember the day, maybe the fourth. I made my way there every night I could. This night I got to the pool quickly and put on my swimsuit hurriedly.
I jumped into the pool and began my laps. I felt someone jump in beside me. I felt a twinge of self-consciousness. In this light, I could look a little blue and in the water, my skin is freezing. I was going to have to be very careful. I did a few laps and then came up for air. It’s incredibly easy to float on water when dead. It’s amazingly hard to make it look like you are straddling the water when you’re dead. You’re pretty much fighting physics.
I turned to my left and saw a familiar face.
“You!” The man pointed as he looked at me with surprise.
*****
Ji Yong sat on the lip of the pool, shaking water out of his ear. I could hear his blood change its flow speed as his body started warming up. I willed him back into the pool, where the chlorine covered his delicious smell and the water interrupted the sound of his heartbeat.
“What are you doing here? I didn’t know you came here,” he asked.
“I rarely get the chance.” I answered, as I looked up from the pool.
“You swim to work out or…”
“Not really.” I looked at Ji Yong. He had different composure then the last time I saw him, luckily. As he tried to make conversation, I found myself in an unusually talkative mood, probably brought on by the pleasantness of the water around me. “I just like the water. I swim for a good time,” I continued
I floated on my back, kicking water out. I didn’t think about where Ji Yong sat as I kicked and water found it’s way to his face.
Ji Yong stood quickly. “Yah!” he exclaimed, pointing at me.
“Sorry,” I said in an insincere tone.
“Hey, I’ll show you a good time!” Ji Yong said as he got into the pool again. He hadn’t appreciated my nonchalance.
I swam to avoid him but he was surprisingly quick and crafty. I ended up swimming right into his splash, which hit my face like a tidal wave.
“Aughphapleh,” was my reaction to the blast. I returned his splash with my own, which hit him dead in the face, interrupting his laughter.
We straddled the water as he wiped his face off.
“This. Is. War,” Ji Yong exclaimed in English. I laughed as he gave me a death stare. Then I took off swimming. Before I knew it, we were in a splash fight. The floating lines separating the pool lanes had become a disaster. We were interrupted by the sound of a whistle.
“THIS IS NOT THAT KIND OF POOL!” the fitness instructor screamed, anger filling her face.
The two of us, straddled the water, eyes wide, as if we had just been caught misbehaving by a parent.
“Sorry,” Ji Yong said as he suppressed a laugh.
We looked to each other and started to laugh at each other. Then we couldn’t stop.
“We were just having a good time.” I spoke through my laughter.
The fitness instructor blew her whistle again to interrupt us. We stopped and looked at her.
“A good time!? I’ll show you a good time!” she said sternly.
We both started to laugh harder.
“Sure. Get in.” Ji Yong said as the two of us stayed in the water, laughing.
*****
After I got out of the water, I wasn’t as silly, which didn’t matter because Ji Yong and I parted ways after receiving probationary periods on our health club memberships. I walked down the street, my gym shoes squeaky from pool water, my clothes wet from my swimsuit I had thrown them on top of. The night was still young. I crossed the street.
“I’m glad you came to meet me,” a familiar voice spoke.
“I’m glad I did too.”
As I watched the familiar couple embrace on the street, I realized it was a touching goodbye.
“How beautiful,” I said loudly.
Henry turned his head as Jini pushed him away.
“Uh-Frances? What? What are you talking about? Uhm- uh-What are you doing here? We were just-” Jini turned red as she tried to come up with some way to explain herself.
Henry scratched his head and smiled.
“Hey, Pagan,” he said affably.
